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Monday, March 27, 2006
We watched "The Shaggy Dog" at Gateway yesterday afternoon. It was a nice movie. Anyway, I couldn't even enjoy the entire movie without being bothered by my current problem. I spent one-fourth of the time thinking about what I should do. And after the movie, while riding the escalator, I almost tripped because said problem was still on my mind. Good thing I was holding the handrail. I thought we were already at level ground and I put my foot forward preparing to meet the floor, instead, I almost had an accident. My family was laughing at me. I laughed too, though it was pretty much forced. It was pretty odd, actually. From lunch till the first half of the movie, I felt happy. I was glad that I am spending time with my family. But when the movie ended, I wanted to go home. Oh yeah, I never want to text with another Sun Cellular subscriber again unless the time really calls for me to do it. I was texting with someone, who's a Sun subscriber, and s/he didn't reply for about forty-five minutes. S/he blamed it on the weak signal. Though honestly, halfway through texting, the person stopped replying. This is the reason why I prefer using instant messaging (IM), email or the phone. Audrey kept on telling me that the person probably ran out of load. I don't know. But I can only hope that s/he wouldn't reveal what I requested him/her to do. It's really personal. In fact, I'm starting to regret my decision. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him/her to help me. I only wanted to know his/her insight on that particular thing. In fact, s/he's one of the few people who knows about the "thing". (If you're reading this, no offense.) Audrey insists that I'm thinking too much. Maybe I am. I'm in a turmoil right now. Everybody knows that it's hard to hold ones tears. But it's even harder if you want to cry yet the tears wouldn't come out. That's the same situation I'm in right now. I just want to curl up and cry. But my tears refuses to come out. It's so easy to put up a cool facade in front of my family. I don't want to bother them with my "petty, personal, immature" problems as they see it. I hate the fact that I'm so vulnerable. I hate the fact that I can trust half of the population easily...and at the same time, be skeptical of the other half. I hate myself for being so weak. I even started blaming myself for all the mess that I'm in right now. It's a sick way of escaping. I'm starting to feel guilty and I don't know why. I know that I'm not the only one whose wrong. In fact, I know that I did nothing wrong in some of my problems. Maybe Audrey was right. I am a worrier. An optimistic worrier. Is there even such a thing? Well, yes. I worry a lot but at the same time I try to convince myself that everything will turn out fine. I sent an email to my missing friend. I don't know what compelled me to do it. But I did it. Maybe I was hoping then that he would reply to it. I would post the message here right now...but I think I'll do it some other time. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it at the moment. If my friends would all be mad at me right now because of these problems, do you think I'll feel any better? I feel so guilty and I don't know why...maybe I am going insane... Posted by 王丽枫 at |
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