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Tuesday, May 09, 2006
To be honest, I didn't really feel like updating this blog today. I just had to start bloghopping and ranting at a friend's tagboard. The ranting was the real cause of my sudden urge to write. Oh yeah, before I forget, I might change the layout (again) once I'm back. It's such a shame because the current layout is so cute. No matter. There are plenty of other adorable skins out there. Chances are, I'm going to choose a slightly abstract/dark one. But we'll see. So what was it that I wanted to rant about? It's my paranoia concerning my friends. Despite of how loyal they think I am to them, or how much I'd like to believe that I'm really loyal to them, it's times like these that I think otherwise. You see, there are times when I have nothing to do and my thoughts just stray. And more often than not, depressing thoughts enter my mind. Usually, they are about my friends. What about them? Well, for one, I would feel that I don't have a friend that I can really count on. Sure, I have a few close friends that I share some of my secrets with, but there's not one that I can really feel comfortable in saying every problem I have. It's like I'd weigh all my thoughts first then choose which one I can say to this friend and which one I can't. Then, whenever a person would ask me who my best friend is, I'd end up mumbling, "Uh...er...it's...um..." I can't even decide who among my friends truly deserves the title of being my best friend. Sad but true. Even though some would insist that I will never come last, I'm always second fiddle to my friends. They always have someone to turn to whenever they need a partner in projects and assignments. They would only turn to me when they're out of choices, or when their other close friends belong to another section. Then again, that's not what being friends is all about, isn't it? Anyway, it's just an example. It goes way deeper than that for me to say such a thing. Sometimes, I even wonder if I do have any friends. And I start to believe my father's words that none of my friends really care about me. That my friends are merely putting on a charade... I know that there are those who have helped me when I'm in a crisis. And there are those who have helped me get through a painful experience. And that I sound like a hypocrite and a self-pitying jerk at the moment. I know that it's wrong of me to think this way and I apologize to anybody I have offended. This is merely a rant and I am fully aware how unhealthy it is for me to think like this. Anyway, I'm just saying that I feel bad whenever I think about these thoughts. And trust me, when I say that I feel bad, I mean that I think of myself as a bastard. I have really good friends out there and I just have to think about them so badly that it's unfair on their part. Maybe being distrustful of people really is unhealthy. I'm gullible even though I'm skeptical. Weird, isn't it? Posted by 王丽枫 at |
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